Imperfect Desires

75 Flashes Of Memory

Standing in front of the window, she saw the dark black ominous clouds in the sky. The wind had picked up howling like a wolf into the night. The first crack of thunder rent the air and within seconds the rolling boom of thunder reverberated overhead.

Xiu silently watched the flashes of thunder and mumbled, "He was right. It really is a stormy night."

In between the long low rumbles of thunder came the downpour and rain lashed out in a torrential and unforgiving way. That streak of hot silver splitting the sky looked fascinating to her. The scent of rain was dark and heady that night.

Xiu\'s heart was feeling heavy as she watched the crazy cut zig-zags of lightning drawing a new pattern of white each time on the black canvas of the night sky. She wondered if any of those zig-zag paths led to heaven. But she wasn\'t scared of this stormy night. In a way, it was actually comforting to know that her heart was not the only one screaming and howling in pain. Even the sky was tired of keeping silent.

The white flashes of lightning in the dark sky were like camera flashes that painted images on a dark film. And each flash reminded her of a memory; A flashback that led her back in time.

*Flashback*

A lone figure was leaning against the wooden door. She was wearing a soft pink colored dress which had lost all its shine just like her eyes that had lost its twinkle. Tears had been flowing down her face like rain.

With her dainty hands, she knocked on the door again, "Mom, please open the door! Let\'s talk about it." Her voice was barely audible that\'s how hoarse it had become after crying for so long. The lightning flashed in the dark sky and pushed its inverted limbs down.

The continuous booms of lightning struck dreadfully close to the porch where she was sitting outside the main door. Her small figure cowered back as she closed her ears with her hands and screamed out. She had always been scared of thunderstorms.

"Mom!" She screamed out while slamming the door with both her hands. She used so much force that her skin broke and the blood oozed out of her hands. But her fear of thunderstorm had overwhelmed her senses of pain. "I won\'t do it again. Please, let me in!"

With a click, the door opened and Xiu looked up at her mother. She touched Xiu\'s head and said, "Why are you here now? Didn\'t you say that you\'re old enough to make your own choices? Then why are you looking for this old and senile mother of yours?"

"I still need you in my life. I never meant to hurt you." Xiu replied in hoarseness.

"Xiu, why don\'t you understand? You\'re hurting me even when I\'m trying to do everything just for your sake. Why do you want to ruin the image that you had made for all those years? You\'re only 21 and dating that new CEO of the company will only bring you scorn. Nothing else." Her mother nagged at her while pulling her inside the house.

She settled Xiu on the couch and gave her a blanket. She pulled out medicine box and cleaned the small cuts on her hands.

Xiu\'s body was trembling because of being outside in the cold weather for an hour. Her body was weak and frail. She had no energy left in her to argue. But she still tried, "But I love him."

"What about him?" Her mother asked indignantly. "Do you think he loves you as well?" Xiu looked up at her earnestly as if silently telling her that he loves her. "Don\'t fool yourself, Xiu. He is one of those people who got their wealth on the silver platter from birth. People like him only know how to value their status. Definition of love for them is a lot different."

"Don\'t you want to see your own daughter happy?" Xiu found a new wave of confidence as she confronted her. "Or are you scared that if he married me then you\'ll lose your money-making machine? Oh, no. You must be jealous since your own relationship didn\'t work, you don\'t want mine to work as well."

"Ptak!" A slap was delivered right across her face but instead of feeling baffled, Xiu was left numb again. "Yes, I am a mother who is using her own daughter for money. Happy?" She held Xiu\'s arms and shook her, "But I won\'t let you question the failure of my relationship. Don\'t forget that you also came into this life because of that same failed relationship."

Xiu lowered her face. She knew she had touched her mother\'s sour spot but she couldn\'t help it herself as she continued, "Perhaps that\'s why I am a failure as well."

She watched her mother walking inside the kitchen and when she came back she held a cup of hot chocolate. There was no expression on her mother\'s face.

"You don\'t want me to interfere in your personal life, I won\'t." Xiu heard her mother\'s voice when she took the cup from her hand. "From now on, I\'ll only work as your manager. There is no point in showing my concern as a mother since you don\'t need a mother anymore. You\'re old enough to make your own decisions."

Xiu opened her mouth to say something but her mother had already turned to leave. She stopped midway of the flight of stairs and said, "It\'s a stormy night. Sleep in your old room." With that, she watched her mother leaving without even turning to look.

*End of Flashback*

Coming back to the present, Xiu closed the window through which she had been looking at the gloomy city dyed in darkness and rain.

To think of that memory now, Xiu was really surprised to realize that her mother\'s concern turned out to be true. Her mother always said he won\'t be hers. But she wasn\'t willing to believe her. Her mother warned her that families like his will play dirty just to throw her out of his life like a useless fly. But she didn\'t listen. All because she believed in the power of love.

Fixing the drapes, she snickered to herself, "So much for love. Sheesh!"

It was strange but now these memories didn\'t bring those tears as they used to do. With all the changes going on in her life, she felt like those memories were so distant that they often didn\'t seem like they belonged to her.

But then again, come to think of it, those memories really didn\'t belong to her anymore. Those were Chen Xiu\'s memories. Chen Xiu who chose to die on that balcony. Chen Xiu who was scared of thunderstorms and friendship.

Now, she was Bai Xiu. Bai Xiu who loved everything about thunderstorms. Bai Xiu who had friends... Genuine ones. Bai Xiu who was willing to fight just to live. Bai Xiu who was not just a memory.Please go to